42: Heavy, happy birthday.

Today, we celebrated my niece's 10th birthday.

I was feeling a little bittersweet because today should have been my sister's day with my daughter. I was feeling rather solemn--happy, peaceful and quietly reflecting.

Hubby and I started our day by visiting a church down the street. We had driven by it countless times, and today, we decided we'd visit. It was perfect. We were greeted warmly, with OJ, coffee and cookies. The children were whisked away to children's church and we were able to settle comfortably in the soft, plush seats--and in worship.

About half-way into service, the pastor invited a guest speaker to step onto the stage. She was a young mother--maybe in her late 20s. She was from a small town and her southern twang gave it away. She was--you could tell--a good-ole' country girl.

As she spoke about her life and how she was raised, she fought the tears back. Just above her, the overhead screen displayed pictures of her former life--before Christ. There she was, with bear bottle in hand, and boyfriend on her arm. She had a little girl when she was just 17. And the child's father was in prison shortly after she became pregnant.

Some time in 2006, she was in a severe car accident. The pictures--flashing on the screen--were brutal. The car was mangled and unrecognizable. She--not wearing a seatbelt--had been thrown from the back window. She doesn't remember that day, or the month that followed it. In fact, she was pronounced dead at one moment. But, paramedics were able to regain a pulse and she remained comatose for months following the accident.

I was captivated, listening to her. And then, another picture. I gasped. I audibly gasped and had to run out of the sanctuary. I hit the door and the tears were already pouring down my cheeks. "What the hell, Suzy?!" I was saying to myself in the back corner of a bathroom. I found a little chair and sat there quietly and just cried.

I was so mad at myself. What can't I control my emotions?! I should be okay by now. It's been 4 years!

Well, the picture I had just seen was one of the girl laying in a hospital bed. She was comatose and the tubes, they were proof that her breath was not her own, but that of a machine.

The last time I had seen anything like that--I was standing beside my sister as a machine pumped the last few breaths of life through her failing lungs. I was not ready to see what my mind had pushed so far to the back. I was not ready.

But, sheesh, shouldn't I be?!

After I dried my eyes, I came out of the bathroom to find my hubby waiting for me. "Are you okay?" he asked.

And, I was honest. "No. Not really."

After church, we were headed to our favorite Sunday spot for lunch (Texas Roadhouse because kids eat for .99 cents on Sunday!) when I asked my husband this:

"Why does God let some people live and not others?" My voice was shaky.

"We don't know. Our minds can't understand His ways," he replied.

"I know, but it seems--and it feels--so unfair," I said.

***

(Birthday pictures tomorrow. I am not a fan of crammed posts. Hubby is going to paint my toenails for me in a minute, so I must leave you all. I think he's feeling a little sad for me or else I'd be on my own with my nail polish!)