So, this is going to sound crazy, but ... I know that pictures are just pictures. They are not people. They do not live and breathe and love ... and feel lonely.
Which is why I could not understand my own feelings yesterday when I left work. It was weird--I was wrapping up a few things to get ready to go home. The office was really quiet. I don't come in until 9, so I am usually one of the last ones to leave. It is around that time when lights begin to be turned off, the cleaning crew shows up and the parking lot begins to empty.
I was shutting down my computer when my eye caught the picture sitting on my desk--all alone. It was that picture I put up of my sister--she, holding my newly born son in my first, ghetto apartment during the summer of 1998. She looked so happy and so young, so full of life.
I went to grab my purse, but stopped and just stared into that picture. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and could practically hear her voice, smell her perfume. I opened my eyes and noticed a small, but sweet detail--she was wearing one of my favorite-at-the-time shirts.
It was really weird, because I felt like I couldn't leave her. The dim, people-less halls were sad to me. And, I didn't want to leave her. I knew that thought made no sense at all. I know she's not the picture, I told myself.
But, it was still sad. And, I was feeling it.
And so instead of being absolutely crazy and sticking her in my purse, I opened a drawer and pulled out a photo that I had been meaning to put up. It was a picture of my daughter. I put the picture right in front of my sister's, so that one was leaning on the other.
When I left, I cried and cried all the way to my girlfriend's house--the one I walked with yesterday. She helped me through it. I cried for the first half of the walk and laughed for the second part. I love girls for that!
This morning, I was walked into a bright, busy, buzzing office and as turned on my computer, I looked at the pictures and smiled. My sister looked surrounded. My son was on her right side, and now, my daughter was on her left. And a tiny, little silver angel stood in front.
There, that looks much better. She was surrounded by loved ones and an angel. And yes, I know it's just a picture. But, for whatever reason, that little arrangement made more sense to my heart. It just felt better.
I’ve Moved…
12 years ago
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5 comments:
You were missing her....maybe a little more on the outside than usual. Isn't it nice to have loved someone so completely like that! So much that for the rest of your life you will think of her everyday..Some people sdaly never experience, or recognize that level of love. I lost my dad when I was only 18. I loved him so much that not a day goes by that I don't think about him and how much he would have enjoyed something I'm doing or how he could have helped me if he were still here...how much I still need him. Then the other day I thought to myself that I hope there are people in this world now that love me enough to miss me when I'm gone the way I miss my dad. Then I thought of my family...my sister and my kids...and I know there are.
Suzy, you are/were not crazy...I have moments like that about Angelia. I know what you mean....I know exactly what you mean. During family gatherings and holidays, we bring out the urn with Angelia's ashes to join us. That way: she's with us. She is...she really is...I feel it.
not crazy at all...you miss your sister. That picture keeps her there with you. :)
Awwww. Thanks you guys, for the supportive comments. I'm glad I feel the love, but wish I didn't have to fee the loss, you know? Thanks for the comments. They always make my day.
Suzy
Well it sounds like to me that you were really feeling your sister's presence. And you were. She was there in spirit and she was letting you know that she was there-sitting right there talking to you and in a sense you could hear her.
Tuely, this has happened to me many times. I can often feel them kiss my cheeks. I know its either my mother or one of my grand parents. Don't be afraid of it-but just talk to them-as they miss you as much as you miss them. Embrace it. Accept it. She is truely there...with you.
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